Recanting in Domestic Abuse: Coercing the Narrative
By Joan LeMole, Development Director
According to research, up to 80% of domestic abuse victims take back or recant accusations against their abuser. However, recantation doesn’t mean that the abuse did not occur. Instead, it is the predictable outcome of overlapping pressures: cultural expectations, family dynamics, systemic barriers, and deliberate psychological manipulation by abusers. Recognizing these forces is essential to supporting victims and countering coercive control.
Victims often feel an immediate and powerful pull from families, communities, and cultural norms that discourage disclosure. In cultures where long-standing customs promote strong family ties, group harmony prevails over individualism and divulging private matters. Family members may exclude victims who recant, resulting in greater isolation and impaired extended family relationships. Relatives, religious traditions, and other societal demands can persuade, and even shame, victims to reconsider. Some might even post bail for the abuser.
Beyond cultural and family expectations, victims often face confusing, and discouraging legal obstacles. Courtrooms are filled with intimidating jargon. Victims may fear the system or be disheartened when the burden of proof is on them. Even if the victim recants, the law can try the case as criminal rather than civil. According to information on the FindLaw website, prosecutors and the District Attorney’s Office can use Protection from Abuse Orders, previous testimony, photographs of injuries, video and audio recordings, statements or threats made on social media, medical records, 911 calls, and eye witness accounts to pursue the case even if the victim asks them not to.
To better understand why victims recant, researchers Bonomi and Martin (2013) studied recorded conversations between jailed abusers and their victims. Based on their findings, they developed a five-stage model for abuser manipulation.
Arguments filled with blame, anger, and regret often accompany a victim’s decision to disclose. Abusers may embrace victim weakness by minimizing the abuse, threatening self-harm or suicide, and by using victim-related vocabulary to their advantage. One abuser in the study asked his victim “Why are you constantly beating on me?” and “Why do you beat me so hard with your words?”
Guilt, sadness, and manipulation incite a turn of events as victim and abuser rewrite the story and reverse roles. The victim now feels sorry for her abuser and moves from victim to caretaker. At this point, the abuser makes a direct request for her to recant, even if perjury might result. In response to this possibility, researchers heard one abuser say, “That’s just 60-90 days in jail compared to what I have in the hole. You can’t even do a few days for me?”
Once manipulation takes old, victims may doubt their own memories, instincts, and perceptions, a form of psychological abuse called gaslighting. Worn down, seeking comfort, and confused about what really did happen, the victim agrees to recant. She colludes with her abuser to bring their family back together. Family members who want “what’s best for the children,” financial dependence on the abuser, concerns about homelessness and food insecurity, fears of retaliation or escalating abuse, and abuser promises to change all cement the victim-abuser trauma bond.
Now co-authors, victim and abuser revise the story placing distrust of the State or legal system as the enemy, according to Psychology Today. They plan what they will say to the authorities and convince themselves that outsiders “doesn’t understand us.” Abusers often evoke powerful and even romantic memories. Known as “love bombing,” this is another form of emotional abuse that plays on victim vulnerability and sensitivity (Bonomi, et al. 2011). Relief, albeit corrupted and distorted, sets in as things move back to how they were: not safe, but certainly familiar.
New Hope Midcoast advocates know that gaslighting is powerful. Our trained advocates can widen perspectives, validate victim experiences, and restore a sense of agency, even when victims are deeply entangled in coercion and confusion. Advocates don’t tell people what to do, but they may gently ask questions that challenge the current, prevailing narrative and offer different points of view. Careful and thoughtful listening, access to new resources, and short and long-term safety plans help protect victims while holding abusers accountable. With an ally who hears and believes them, victims can share stories, worries, fears and hopes, and explore new options with restored dignity and self-esteem.
New Hope Midcoast is one of Maine’s Regional Domestic Violence Resource Centers and a member of the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence. The nonprofit organization supports people impacted by domestic abuse, dating violence and stalking through housing and legal advocacy, education and prevention programs, and a 24/7 helpline. The organization serves Sagadahoc, Lincoln, Knox and Waldo counties. New Hope continues to meet clients where they are and recognizes that the impact of domestic abuse is widespread. We are survivor-led and believe that, together, we can address social concerns that continue right here in our communities.